The Cut and Stab

Hidden Bodies

2006-03-12T18:38:00.000-08:00

You May Know Kiss The Bride… And The Other One

With the increasing amounts of gay-activists rising, polygamists are jumping on board and hoping to push for its decriminalization. Commonly associated with Mormon’s, polygamy rose through the Jesus Christ Church of Latter Day Saints, when the number of women in the Mormon church dwarfed the amount of men. The church allowed men to marry multiple women to help woman marry men of their faith.

After this come polygamous-homosexual marriages. And of course, after homosexual polygamy comes bestiality and the marriage of humans to animals. Now, Dr. Zira from Planet of the Apes can finally marry that sexy scientist, George Taylor, known as Taylor in the movie, who suddenly finds himself trapped on a planet full of apes. Hence, the movie title.

By Elise Soukup of Newsweek, http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/11786790/site/newsweek/

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You Say Bush, I Say Hitler

President George Bush is like Hitler, or so a Colorado high school teacher claims. Cherry Creek School District reinstated social studies teacher, Jay Bennish, after placing him on paid leave for his comments comparing Bush to Hitler. Bennish said that parts of Bush’s State of the Union speech where Bush talked about “conquering the world” sounded similar to Hitler.

Well of course. Bush is Hitler. Think about it, who else reinforces the law? Not the U.N. Ten years passed and they never wrote up the ticket for Iraq’s violation of U.N. Sanctions. No, only Hitler-like people hold up governing regulations. A parent who says to their child, “If you sneak out of the house tonight, your grounded,” and follows through with the punishment when the child disobeys them, is Hitler.

Associated Press, http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/11786790/site/newsweek/

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The Inaccurate Code

It sold millions of copies, lured Tom Hanks into the movie version and generated hype and buzz throughout the world. Now, the U.S. Conference of Catholic Bishops decided to launch a website, attacking, Dan Brown’s, The Da Vinci Code. The conference claims that many of the facts and information included in the novel are false and inaccurate. Visit http://www.jesusdecoded.com to see the Bishops web work.

When will the world tire of entrepreneurs trying to capitalize on the success and marketability of another’s? If you ask me, these Bishops are just trying to generate a little publicity for their website. Of course, on one point I do agree, but with different reason. When Da Vinci scribbled out the “The Last Supper”, he was just trying to make a living.

Reuters, http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/11765659/

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The Name’s Blood, Urine in the Blood

Kidney tumors affect anyone they choose, even members of Hollywood. Actor, Sean Connery, received surgery to remove a kidney tumor from his, well, kidney. He’s now back home in the Bahamas recovering. His brother Neil, well known by about no one, said that the tumor was benign.

I’m sure Connery is a little shaken, but not stirred…

Associated Press, http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/11765659/

Expensive Endeavors

2006-03-11T22:49:00.000-08:00

Red With Love

Sometimes, you miss the ones you love when they leave on a business trip or other destination, but now, they can still be there – kind of. Researchers put some extra thought into work one day and created illuminating wine glasses. The glasses turn a warm tint of red when the other person touches it with their lips, no matter how far away.

Because picking up a phone and calling home just isn’t that great, there’s the glass that lights up like ET’s finger. Of course, maybe your significant other is sharing a glass of wine with an attractive co-worker.

Rueters, http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/11730448/

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SAT-urated.

Rain, rain, go away, mess up our tests another day – or something like that. High humidity in the Northeastern part of the U.S. caused several SAT test answer sheets to expand during shipping to the Pearson Educational Measurement scanning center. The expansion changed most scores by fewer than 100 points.

Too bad it didn’t work the other way around for the 2,400-point tests. Imagine the parents who love bragging about their kids on this one. “You think your kid’s smart because they got a score of 2,200? Well, mine got 2,567!” On the flip side, imagine all the students who thought, “If I don’t do well on this test, I’m going with plan B – trying out for American Idol.”

Associated Press, http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/11760597/

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Check, Please

Running for president comes with a few requisites; extensive law knowledge, many votes and a fat wallet. Through speculation, the initial deposit to even drop your name in the slot machine as a presidential candidate in 2008 is just $100 million. However, each candidate probably needs to raise roughly $400 million in the end.

Need a cure for the national deficit, try fundraisers. Simply amazing that running for president costs nearly the same amount of money as a small countries net worth. Last year, researchers discovered that John Kerry and George W. Bush poured enough money into their campaigns to pay for a college education for every child in America. Maybe Pearson should look into running for president?

By Thomas B. Edsall and Chris Cilliza of The Washington Post, http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/11758525/

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Word Processing Makes a Googol for Google… Maybe

In an attempt to up its fighting position with Microsoft Corp., Good purchased the maker of online word processing program, Writely. Google wants to incorporate the word processing program and added it to the vast amount of other resources added through its site, including the most used web-search program in the world and its e-mail service, gmail.

Well great. Now, when you search for “how stupid is shane remer”, instead of Google responding, “Did you mean, ‘how stupid is shane rimmer?’” it will respond, “Did you mean, ‘How stupid is, Shane Rimmer??’” Word has it that Google wants to add an online dating branch called, “Goo-gle For You!”.

Associated Press, http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/11753074/

A Blurred America

2006-03-10T20:26:00.000-08:00

How ‘Bout Them Americans

After beating baseball “powerhouse” South Africa 17-0 on Friday, March 10, the United States advanced to the second round of the World Baseball Classic (WBC). The US faced possible elimination after an losing 8-6 to Canada. The US moves onto the next round by placing second in its round, behind Mexico and ahead of Canada based on a tie breaker.

Go Americans! We could have been eliminated today without even playing. That’s how poorly we’re doing. It seems that Discovery should consider running a segment about the US on its series, “I Shouldn’t Be Alive.”

Associated Press, http://msn.foxsports.com/other/story/5399964

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Oh Say Can You See, That Our Rules Aren’t Right

Students in Chicago high schools are facing a dilemma: passing driver’s education. Of course, the students are blind or darn, near it. Yet, school rules require students to pass the written form of the driver’s ed test in order to receive diplomas. Many of the students with visual impairments are forming a group to have the law changed.

Well, this makes sense. I don’t “see” what the big fuss is all about. While the Chicago high school system is at it, why don’t they force paralyzed students to complete the mile run in gym class, the mutes to pass speech, and all jocks to look only at their papers during tests.

Associated Press, http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/11761643/

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But You Still Have To Share Lockers

Sometimes, paying for college is cheaper than paying for high school. Riverdale Country School, a private high school in New York, raised fees to $31,200 for its sixth through 12th grade students in the upcoming school year. That surpasses Harvard’s $28,752 tuition. However, many regard the school with high recognition of quality education.

Hmm… I don’t know about the rest of you, but my public school taught me that $31,200 can be spent other ways. Such as, buying a new car. Or, taking a vacation – for a year. Or hiring a tutor, if you’re that stupid. And, if your tutor’s stupid, you can hire a tutor for your tutor. Or, better yet, you can adopt an eight-year-old boy from an orphanage and ask him what $31,200 plus stupidity equals, and he might say, Riverdale Country School. Maybe.

Associated Press, http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/11766002/

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I’d Like To Withdrawal That Threat, and $300

Have you ever imagined what it would be like to play an awful prank? Well, a man in Williston, North Dakota played a prank and now it might cost him. Ryan Wright walked into a bank, wearing a nice ski mask – the preferred choice of bank robbers – and then demanded money. After the “warm” reception from the teller, Wright told her he was just kidding, then went about his business. He faces up to five years in prison and $5,000 in fines.

Hey, this is smart. Let’s think of the other possibilities Wright might have imagined. Walking onto a plane and shouting, “I’m Taliban!” Or, punching a passerby on the street and saying, “Ha, gotcha!” Or, what about walking down the streets of San Francisco and shouting, “Gays are Strays! Kill them all for better days… just kidding.”

Associated Press, http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/11729362/

Wash That Diatomyidae Down With Beer; It’s Better Than Milk

2006-03-09T21:04:00.000-08:00

Dead Meat… Sort Of

Imagine discovering a new species of mammal on the planet earth, only to learn that the species is not new, but rather was thought to be extinct and is actually alive. It happened to researchers who found some meat for sale in Laos. They failed to study the bone structure deep enough to realize that the rodent was from the family Diatomyidae. Some other scientists corrected them.

Well, check this out. Apparently, this whole evolution thing and carbon dating just took a blow. This creature was thought to be extinct for over 11 million years. Yet, it’s still alive. So, where are all the bones for this creature from the 10-million-years-ago layer of Earth, and so on? On a side note – the people of Laos still think it’s just squirrel meat.

Bjorn Carey, Live Science, http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/11746910/?GT1=7850

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I’m Worth Billions… My Car, Not So Much

Forbes added 102 billionaires to its list this year. Many of them coming from the country of India, which has the most billionaires behind the United States. Forbes also listed the vehicles that the top 10 drive. On the list, a 2001 Lincoln Town Car Signature Series, 1993 Volvo 240 GL, 2002 Dodge Dakota Pickup, 2006 Ford F-150 King Ranch and a 1998 Lincoln Continental, etc.

Hey, just because you’re filthy, stinkin’ rich, doesn’t mean you have to drive overly expensive cars. Of course, most of the billionaires are just old people, so nothing appeals to them more than a Lincoln. On the other hand, this proves that even Billionaires are regular people, just like you. Except, they’re toilet paper is green and has faces of former presidents on it.

Nate Chapnick, http://www.forbesautos.com/advice/toptens/billionaire/11-steven_ballmer.html

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Beer, Part of a Daily Diet

In a study partly funded by the corporate parent of Lipton Tea, drinking up to 40 ounces of tea and coffee a day is good for you. Lipton is using the study’s insight to help promote the advertising of the positive effects of tea. The study also highlighted drinking 24 ounces of beer as better than the 16 ounces of low-fat milk.

Beer, healthier than milk? Or is it just the amounts? Just from hearsay, the Camel cigarette company has recently digested research from an eight-year study showing that smoking up to three packs of the most expensive pack of Camel cigarettes helps supply more oxygen to the brain than smoking four packs of that same pack of cigarettes. Amazing…

The Associated Press, http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/11735125/

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I Need To Play My Journalism Game

Some crazy professors at the University of Minnesota have tweaked a computer game into a source for developing journalism skills. The old game, which consisted of killing monsters and other three-eyed, missing-limb beauties, has become a game where a train derails and the reporters need to move around, using resources to cover the story. However, in the making, a glitch caused anyone who walked up to a group of people to be attacked and killed by that group of people.

Hey, what’s more like journalism than a video game, huh? You have your monsters, ie: Ted Kennedy and Arnold Schwarzenegger – although for different reasons. And you also have the groups of people that will attack and kill you if you approach them. For example, suicide bombers and cannibals. Again, it’s for different reasons. One group kills you for Islam, the other kills you for breakfast.

The Associated Press, http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/11746789/

Turning A Profit

2006-03-04T22:08:00.000-08:00

Triple-Paid ‘Park’ing

The Associated Press reports that Detroit’s Woodland cemetery raised the prices of plots around Rosa Park’s final resting place. Some of Park’s relatives fear that raising the prices of potential neighbors’ eternity beds may damage the legacy of Parks through this exploit. However, Woodlawn officials deny their exploitation of Parks.

Well of course Woodlawn officials aren’t exploiting this opportunity. Just a section of cemetery over, prices are being raised on the plots of Joe Schmoe and Mary Ordinary. Plus, when the costs sky rocket from $24,275 to as much as $65,000, profiteering can be eliminated. On an unrelated note, the next episode of CBS’s, Ghost Whisperer, star, Jennifer Love Hewitt, will be visited by Rosa Parks. Parks will ask for the boycotting of Woodlawn cemetery.

The Associated Press, http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/11675695/

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Wieners: Up to 90 days and $300

Two people from Pittsburgh tried stuffing a fake penis in a microwave oven, on Thursday, Feb 23. an Associated Press story reports. Leslye Creighton and Vincent Bostic asked a clerk to stick the fake penis in the microwave to warm the urine for a drug test that Creighton was trying to pass. Each face charges of criminal mischief and disorderly conduct.

Yes, that’s right, Crieghton was trying to pass the drug test with a fake penis. Yes, she was. A little odd, sure. But, hey, think about all the cool one-liners that come with this. “Yes, excuse me. Where did you get that hot dog? Because I would love to slip that puppy straight into my mouth and su… (THE REST OF THIS SECTION HAS BEEN REMOVED BY ORDER OF THE FCC.)

The Associated Press, http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/11660043/

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You May Now Order The Bride

How about two golden arches for your wedding ceremony? Hey, two Ohio lovebirds had that. Of course, they also got married at McDonalds. Trisha Lynn Esteppe and Tyree Henderson recited vows and got hitched at the McDonalds they met at three years prior. All while other customers came in and placed their orders.

Are you guys paying attention here? Cheap, inexpensive wedding. Exchange your McVows and get on with the rest of your life. Also, hearsay has it that the newlyweds are spending their honeymoon at Burger King, just for kicks. Hope they brought plenty of condoms…er, condiments.

The Associated Press, http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/11624865/

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Got Gas?

Japanese cows have gas – literally. Scientists in the great country of Japan have figured out a method that produces .042 ounces of gasoline from every 3.5 ounces of cow dung. The scientists, which work for the National Institute of Advanced Industrial Science and Technology, cooked the dung at about 572 degrees Fahrenheit and added 30-atmostpheric pounds for kicks.

All right! Now cows aren’t just for eating anymore. Now, we can get gas out of them. For every 1,333 and 1/3 pounds of cow dung, we can get a gallon of gas! Talk about efficient. That means the 1997 Dodge Intrepid I’m driving around gets me about 20 miles to the 26,666.66 pounds of cow dung. On the down side, I need to stop taking vacations to Japan for my annual running-of-the-bulls spin-off that I call, “Tipping-of-the-cows”.

The Associated Press, http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/11653571/

Good For the Body; Good For the Soul

2005-09-10T16:25:00.000-07:00

Singing in the Rain

In an effort to help raise money for the victims of Hurricane Katrina, many singers and entertainers held a telethon broadcasted through well known televising companies. Residents from over 100 countries tuned in while the American Red Cross and Salvation Army received contributions. Producers titled it “Shelter From the Storm: A Concert For the Gulf Coast.”

Not to knock on the telethon and the purposes it served, but how about the celebrities also try some other things. On the list: Donating their money, flying down to the area and giving some physical work, or, better yet, going with the flow of the title of the telethon and offering shelter to some of the victims.

The Associated Press, http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/9272975/

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Let’s Do Breakfast

It took ten years and consisted of over 2,400 teenaged girls, but the study finally showed that eating breakfast in the morning helps lead to a slimmer body. Researchers used the BMI (body mass index) to determine obesity. They believed that the fibers in the food help keep the percentage of fat down and kick start the metabolism in the morning. The girls consumed breakfast cereals for the study.

Bad news for those considering anorexia, looks like people need to eat to stay thin. Anything except McDonalds or Dunkin’ Donuts, anyway. On the flip side, imagine all the possibilities of expansion using this theory in other studies. Next, the researchers should explore the idea that spending money in the morning leads to smaller wallets.

The Associated Press, http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/9267823/

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Blast From the Glass

A German man claims he’s created an alcoholic beverage that gives you a bang for your buck. In fact, the drink supposedly boasts an alcoholic content just over 25 percent. Harald Schneider says the drink takes twelve weeks of fermentation.

Imagine this, a German creating an even more alcoholic drink. Seems to me Ireland just made an ally and trade partner. This will also make for many interesting nights on the police squad. “Honestly officer, I only had one drink…”

Rueters, http://reuters.excite.com/article/20050909/2005-09-09T152445Z_01_EIC955419_RTRIDST_0_ODD-GERMANY-BEER-DC.html

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Brain Cells

Not everything on television hurts the mind apparently, as criminals who watch CSI, now use some of the information to help fool investigators. Even jurors who watch the show believe all forensic evidence presented in court cases as hard core proof during trials. The criminals use the insights from the show to benefit their cause.

Maybe now those who push for public records and complete access to inside information will stop. Not because they finally gained common sense, but because their credit and lives have been wrecked by criminals. Now, if only reality television shows could wise up and learn how to accurately portray the real world.

Rueters, http://reuters.excite.com/article/20050908/2005-09-08T162906Z_01_YUE764981_RTRIDST_0_ODD-FORENSICS-DC.html

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Drinking Leads to the Grave

In Brussels, a woman died when a tombstone fell on her. After drinking at the bar before leaving – a common occurrence for people who drink – she decided to head home. Taking a shortcut through a cemetery, the urge to relieve herself overcame her and she stopped to squat between two tombstones and began the process. She lost her balance and went to regain her balance, pulled a gravestone and it fell on her. Suffocation killed her.

Oddly enough, this happened in the town of Pulle. Of course, on a night for death, she was in the right place. Hopefully she was not enjoying the fine tastes of Mr. Schneider’s new alcohol. The publicity would be horrible. Or would it…

Rueters, http://reuters.excite.com/article/20050907/2005-09-07T152417Z_01_EIC755398_RTRIDST_0_ODD-BELGIUM-CEMETERY-DC.html

A Society Down the Drain

2005-05-07T14:12:00.000-07:00

G.E.D., Diploma, or G.S.W?

Sex sells but learning how to sell it is now easier thanks to sex classes. Workers of the adult genre received tips on reducing stress, marketing and even how to apply condoms. The article also states that, “Participants who stuck it out for the whole day received diplomas certifying them as G.S.W — graduates in sex work.”

Participants who, “stuck it out”? I like that phrasing there. It makes coming up with jokes easier. On another note, the given title to the prostitute… er, institute of these classes is “Whores College”. I would like to see excuses in this class. “Yeah, Mrs. Bendover, see, it’s a funny thing. The dog ate my homework…” (Yes, I know. Apologies.)

The Associated Press, MSNBC News, http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/7759147/

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In-Fidelity

Looks like some Wall Street bank brokers gave Fidelity traders sex, gifts and drugs – but not for free. Yeah, the brokers wanted to win the firm’s trading business in exchange. The Fidelity traders handed over private stock information for some goodies that included trips to the Super Bowl, nice golf courses and other luxurious deals.

Well, including the drugs and sex, it would probably be safe to add trips and trips to hotel rooms were included with the packages. The offered deals were probably pitched in a very stock market type approach. “Hey, Jack, this is Jill. Tell ya what. If you give me inside information, you’ll get some inside stuff yourself. Also, just like the stock market, I’ll go up and down.” (I think I have more apologies in order…)

The Associated Press, MSNBC News, http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/7761816/

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Golden Locks

Melissa Rayworth, assumedly of The Associated Press, recently spent $624 dollars for a haircut. Rayworth visited a salon often used by some of Hollywood’s biggest celebrities. She received a haircut of the stars, as well as other “perks” for the small ticket price.

Other things a woman could most likely better purchase with $624: A few new outfits, a lot of shoes and a night out on the town with a guy who cares less if you get haircut at some ritzy place. Or, heck, if the woman really pleases, she could take the $624, split the money with a bunch of girl friends and hit a Chippendales show.

Melissa Rayworth – The Associated Press, MSNBC, http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/7759251/

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Ugly Ducklings

A bunch of Canadian researchers decided to add more problems to those with insecurities about their looks. In a study in which the Canadians followed many people with kids through grocery stores, they discovered that parents neglected the less-attractive kids and allowed them to wander farther away. Parents of more attractive kids elected to strap them in carts more often than those of the “uglier” children.

Maybe it is just me, but the better looking a kid, the more susceptible to kidnappings and other awful crimes they become. Personally, I believe this study is bogus. How many orphans are cute little kids? Besides, my mom always strapped me in the cart when I was little. Then, she would grab a different cart and shop…

MSNBC News, http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/7721095/

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Hurry Up Whiskers!

A woman from Australia has invented a method of training your cat to use the toilet. After watching, “Meet the Fockers”, she decided it would be cool if her cat could use the toilet, too. The three-step process called, Litter-Kwitter, uses three disks and takes approximately eight-weeks to fully train your backed-up bundle of joy.

Just what I need, a cat taking up the little bathroom time I have when the females of the house finally finish. At least I can shower with a cat in the bathroom. Of course, if my cat looked like the one picture in this story while doing its thing, I would have a hard time keeping a straight face. Even if you do not read the story, click the first link provided with this and look at the picture. Somehow, it reminds me of my Gramps.

Reuters, MSNBC NEWS, http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/7723627/

What's in the Box?

2005-05-06T14:00:00.000-07:00

Prized Snake

After opening a box of cereal, a British boy discovered that something else beat him to the cereal – a snake. The boy said he had seen snakes on television before but never in a box of cereal. The slippery little guy was only a harmless corn snake, but finding the snake in a box of “Golden Puffs” was rather surprising.

Imagine that, seeing snakes on television, but not in a box of cereal before. Maybe the kid’s just used to cheap toys and false advertisement. Oh well, if Kellogg’s pursued this marketing lead, they could ax the rooster, get a corn snake and sell Kellogg’s Corn Snakes. Part of a healthy breakfast that goes down smooth.

Reuters, MSNBC News, http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/7734025/

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Yo Tony, How’s it Hangin’?

What do three New York doctors, anti-impotence medication and the mob have in common? Crime! These three doctors allegedly gave mafia members free Viagra, Cialis and Levitra samples in exchange for construction and automobile service. The doctors face up to ten years in prison for the crimes.

The real issue now is how are businesses going to sell those “Everyone loves an Italian boy” t-shirts? It looks like impotence affects the male side of the Italians. On the up side, the mafia members will not be needing car jacks to raise the cars for undercarriage work…

Reuters, MSNBC News, http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/7758827/

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Who am I wearing? Barbie!

Benetton wants Barbie to wear its clothing style. The company wants to create a clothing line for Mattel’s Barbie. The line will feature fashions from a few world-known cities and Benetton will sell the dolls in its stores.

Here’s a question, who’s Benetton? Unless stricken with the Joan and Melissa Rivers’ disease, the name Benetton means nothing to little girls. With all of this, is it any wonder why individuals of third-world countries hate Americans and other rich countries?

The Associated Press, MSNBC, http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/7758566/

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Cheap and Wireless Used to Mean Victoria Secret

First there was Wi-Fi, now there will be WiMAX. Intel, which placed Wi-Fi on the map with accessible short range internet access, now plans to offer a high speed wireless broadband. WiMAX would be cheap and available to areas as large as small cities.

Well great relief to the world as we know it. Now, those wanting streaming video and fast connections do not need to travel to the airport or local coffee shop anymore for Wi-Fi. Instead, they will be able to watch “adult videos” in the convenience of their own home. You know, where the family lives.

Reuters, MSNBC News, http://www.thekcrachannel.com/news/4274472/detail.html?subid=22100408&qs=1;bp=t

A Burning Sensation

2005-03-23T10:14:00.000-08:00

Nice Rack

In male animals that come with horns, feathers, antlers and other nifty features that induce bragging rights in the animal kingdom, it seems that the better the features, the better the animal's quality of sperm. If one buck’s antlers are larger than another buck’s, then the buck with the larger rack has better sperm. Of course, humans also rate bucks because hunters measure deer meticulously and award points for good sets.

Well call Guinness, apparently this “size matters” concept comes as a shock to the world. Since most hunters are guys, who would theorize that hunters would look at such beautiful creatures, rate them on their rack and then treat them as meat? Also, if this size thing indicates better sperm, this writer is screwed. Or, is that, will not be screwed?

Associated Press article, http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/7236005/

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Pop Goes The Weasel (But I’m Still A Virgin)

So, you want to save your virginity for marriage but you still want an STD. No problem… Teens pledging to remain virgins until marriage somehow stand greater risks of receiving an STD from other forms of sex. Instead of “getting it on” the way babies are made, teens are turning to oral and anal sex, thus raising their chance of receiving a grade of “+” on their STD test.

Well blow my horn, (pun intended only if you want) teens getting sexually active orally and anally are not actually having sex. What? At least Leslee Unruh, a person mentioned in the story, had common sense and called the study bogus because she believes sex is sex. This story is just another sign that the world has gone hard to common sense.

Associated Press article, http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/7232643/

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The Wheels on the Bus go Snap Crackle Pop

Some officials shut down a turnpike in Mass. because a bus caught fire. Yeah, it turns out that all the passengers escaped unharmed and got where they were going through hitchhiking or other means. The bus company, owned by Lucky Star Travel Pack, knew the bus was slowly catching fire when the driver called in reporting one of the tires giving off flames with an orange glow. However, they ordered him to continue.

“Yeah, base, this is Roger, listen, we got a problem on the bus… Well, one of the tires is on fire… The engine? It’s fine… yeah, but… Okay, I’m continuing... Next stop, the morgue.”

CNN, The Boston Channel http://www.thebostonchannel.com/news/4297077/detail.html?subid=22100410&qs=1;bp=T

Live Long and Love Technology

2005-03-14T08:00:00.000-08:00

Turn Your Cell Phone Off; I’m Trying to Talk on Mine!

Apparently, 6 out of 10 cell phone users found others using their cell phones in public annoying and irritating. Also reported in the story, 4 out of 10 users believe laws need passing in regards to the use of cell phones in public. One more stat from the story – 8 out of 10 cell phone users think of talking on cell phones while driving as a major safety hazard.

From this report, one can assume – just guessing – that 4 out of 10 users use their cell phones in public while 6 of 10 users do not want laws for use of cell phones in public. Of course, based on the last tidbit from the story, and the trend of deductive reasoning, 2 out of every 10 users who talk on their cell while driving are women.

Associated Press article, http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/7177554/

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To Van Horn and Beyond

Jeff Bezos, founder of amazon.com – a website that, oddly enough, offers very little on the Amazon Forest – proposed an idea to the small city of Van Horn, Texas. Bezos wants to build a spaceport for commercial use. He already owns 165,000 acres of desolate land, known as Corn Ranch, and plans to use it for the exploration of his goal known as Blue Origin.

Talk about an idea out of this world… The fact that he plans to build such an innovated idea in a small town seems baffling, unless you take into consideration that everything is bigger in Texas.

Michael Graczyk, The Associated Press, http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/7151863/

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Next Stop: 34th Street, The Miracle On

For riders of MARTA (Metropolitan Atlanta Rapid Transit Authority), using the subway to get from one stop to another might prove a little more entertaining. The subway system announced plans to become the first North American subway offering television and radio feeds. Currently, MARTA plans to broadcast news channels through the fifteen-inch flat screen monitors it wants to install in each of its 230 rail cars.

Well, if only New York City caught onto the idea and installed these screens in its subway system, too. If they added ESPN or sports channels, it would give baseball fans an added meaning to the term “subway series”. If this happens, women will find themselves taking the subway to every date their man takes them on.

CNN, http://www.cnn.com/2005/US/03/03/subway.tv.ap/index.html

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Long Time No Cea…sing

Good news for people who love to live, living longer now comes standard. According to the data from the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, the average lifespan rose from 77.3 years in 2002, to 77.6 years in 2003. Of course, women still live longer than men at an average of 80.1 years compared to the average of 74.8 for men. The CDC credits decreased deaths due to heart disease, cancer and stroke for the increase.

Not too surprising women still live longer than men on average. Although, the difference gap between the two slowly decreases with each year, there is still the fact that men have to live with women, causing the men more stress and resulting in shorter lives.

CNN, http://www.cnn.com/2005/HEALTH/conditions/02/28/life.expectancy.reut/index.html

See You in Court...ship

2005-03-13T08:00:00.000-08:00

Two Legs Up

New York City’s finest see some of the worse crime this world offers a city cop, but things change now and then. A mixed poodle, named Snoopy, decided to evade the officers by weaving through rush hour traffic. The cops eventually captured Snoopy near Yankee Stadium and took the dog to the ASPCA ASAP. Snoopy received only a few bruises and abrasions from a gentle tap of a car, but other wise had no complications.

Many jokes come to mind here, but in reality, catching a dog in open space is very difficult. Although dogs have an advantage with two more legs than humans, it still amazes anyone that anything made its way through the roads of New York City during rush hour.

Associated Press article, http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/7159313/

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Because We Can

Nintendo announced they want to venture into wireless gaming. Using WiFi connections, Nintendo would create a system that is wireless and allows users to play anyone, anywhere using the hi-speed internet connection. Nothing is guaranteed for 2005, but they promise – scouts honor – a system in production by 2006.

As if cell phones fail to create enough annoyances already, now we will have people driving, attending meetings and going to school while playing these WiFi gadgets. I just hope it comes with Pac-Man.

MSNBC staff and news services, http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/7159422/

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Grande Theft

A man from La Grande, Oregon, decided that you do not need a bankcard to use an ATM. Ronald Terry McElvain stole an entire ATM from a local Wal-Mart and made off with $60,000. His cousin, Jim Magill tipped authorities off when McElvain visited and asked for a lift to the hospital. While in town, McElvain also decided to buy a used Ford Explorer, paying for it with cash he carried in a backpack.

When you live in a city named La Grande and want to commit a crime, you might as well make it a big one. On another note, no one knows what brought Magill to suspect his cousin stole the money. Vegas gives the highest odds to the selection of the Ford Explorer. Others assume that Magill is secretly Mr. Magoo with an altered last name.

Boaz Herzog, The Oregonian, http://www.davesdaily.com/out.php?id=3943&url=http://www.oregonlive.com/news/oregonian/index.ssf?/base/news/111045963218140.xml

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Just Playing With the Hose Chief

A Sacramento Metro fire station decided to suspend two firefighters – one male, one female – after realizing the two engaged in sexual activity in the firehouse. (There are so many jokes, but such little time.) The station gave each a five-shift suspension, equivalent to fifteen days. Other firefighters in the Sacramento area have been accused of drinking on duty, lying to investigators, missing a fire call and even joy riding. One station fired three men for participating in group sex.

Sure, these stations include poles, but the city designed them with the intention of firefighters sliding on them to get to the fire engines. As for the three men terminated for group sex, rumor has it they were brought in from San Francisco.

KCRA News, http://www.thekcrachannel.com/news/4274472/detail.html?subid=22100408&qs=1;bp=t

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Down the Drain

In Medina, Ohio, a nurse faces charges of patient abuse after giving patients at the hospital, where she works, extra laxatives. She performed the gutless actions to make work harder for the day shift employees. This is the second such case at the hospital. The first nurse charged received ten months in prison for her actions.

Apparently the woman decided that toilet papering the day shift nurses’ homes was too old fashioned and unoriginal. Instead, making them clean up the toilet paper used on the untamed bowels of patients was much funnier

News Net 5, http://www.newsnet5.com/news/4276444/detail.html

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Do Not Feed the Animals

Another story from Ohio, this time in Independence, reports that a man faces possible jail time and fines for feeding deer. Laws of Independence make it illegal for anyone to feed the animals because it makes it harder for people – “deer professionals” – to control them. The man is charged with feeding the deer by distributing food in the woods across the street from his house.

Hey, at least he never gave them extra laxatives.

News Net 5, http://www.newsnet5.com/news/4269685/detail.html?subid=22100405&qs=1;bp=t

Prayer and Reproduction

2005-03-12T11:00:00.000-08:00

SAT-urday

Today, Saturday, March 12, nearly 330,000 students take their SATs. The SATs underwent the biggest change in roughly 75 years. Along with the usual delightful subjects of math and reading skills, the test-takers also receive the opportunity to partake in handwritten essays. The added section of the test arrives following threats by the California university system to dump the test.

Maybe the education system hopes to improve the construction of letters written home by college students. Instead of, “Need Money,” students may actually write, “To Whom It May Concern: I am low on cash because of poor financial decisions on my part. Since I am family, please help me. Love, Your Momentarily Monetarily Impaired Child.”

Tom Costello, Correspondent for NBC News, http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/7161410/

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Third Time’s The Charm

The city of Yamatsuri, Japan wants to put out for what the women of its town put out. In an attempt to fight a shrinking population, the city offered one million yen - $9,600 US – to each female resident who gives birth to their third child. Each woman wanting to cash in on the opportunity needs more than one year of residence in the city to receive eligibility.

Although not a bad idea, in the US, reimbursing someone for sex – the fun stuff people perform to create babies – constitutes as a felony. Of course, no one sees Japan offering a cash prize to the person who beats out all other competition on a reality show involving deceit and trickery, now do they?

Associated Press article, http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/7165019/

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Pray For a Prayer Break

After Dell denied their request to take a short break for prayer, 30 Muslims – most from Somalia if it makes a difference – ventured out of the company’s paying bracket. Well, at least in the form of payment for labor. They asked for the break because their faith requires that they pray five times daily. The time varies, but they need to say sunset prayers at dusk, no ifs, ands, or buts. Usually, the prayers only take a few minutes.

The Muslims worked, (notice the past tense,) for Dell Inc., packaging computers through a temporary labor agency. (The agency sure proved that when it says temporary it means it.) What needs asking here, though, is if they smoked while praying, would they get their break?

Associated Press article, http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/7160832/

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The Birds and the Bees and the Pandas?

At the National Zoo in Washington, scientists decided to use the last hours of the panda-breeding season for purposes of scientific breakthrough. (Readers, you will understand the implication of breakthrough shortly.) They opted to experiment with a new method of artificial insemination with what time remained. Mei Xiang, a six-year-old female panda, and Tian Tian, a male panda checking in at seven years, attempted to procreate several times. However, all tries failed, so the kinky scientists voted on artificially inseminating Mei Xiang – we hope. The scientists give the pandas a 50/50 chance of bringing a little panda into the world.

Now, disregarding all inappropriateness, things might be different if the scientists offered the pandas one million yen. Of course, pandas, not indigenous to North America, are worldly creatures. Since the two do not share the same last name and are worldly, maybe they just practice “safe” sex.

Associated Press article, http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/7161762/

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Hey, You Cut In Line!

In Las Vegas, burglars went home – or wherever they stay – with the personal information of nearly 9,000 people. On top of that, they left with roughly 1,700 blank licenses and some license making equipment. The individuals whose information the burglars stole now risk the sabotage of their finances, or in easier terms, identity theft.

On a side note, officials originally stated that the thieves stole encrypted information. However, they later said, no, sorry, that encrypted information is actually readily accessible. This only proves that the DMV still works the same way. First, they tell you one thing and then they tell you another.

MSNBC staff and news service reports, http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/7166599/